Kerry: 0:28

Hi everybody. Welcome back to the Get Healthy Tampa Bay podcast. Today I'm joined by Dr. Ariam Diaz Mathuse k pediatrician, obesity medicine specialist, wife and mom of three. She's the founder of Brightside Care in Mebane. I actually don't know how to say that either. In North Carolina where she helps parents raise resilient, emotionally healthy kids through good habits and connection. So today we're going to dive into an important topic, how to validate your child's emotions without condoning bad behavior. So, Dr. Mathusek, please introduce yourself and tell us who you are and what you do.

Ariam: 1:05

So I'm Ariam Diaz Mathusek, and I am a general pediatrician and has certification in obesity medicine as well. I am the founder of Brightside Care and it's a small practice in Mebane, North Carolina. Very close to Chapel Hill because everybody knows the main city. And yes, I am a mother of three. I have a 13-year-old, 10 and 5-year-old. So I have all the ages, all the crazy ages in the house and I'm very excited for this opportunity. So thank you for giving me the chance to be here.

Kerry: 1:45

Awesome. So why, I guess a little bit about why this topic kind of matters to you personally and professionally.

Ariam: 1:53

So, let's start with the professionally, since I deal with, you know, children, teenagers, toddlers, all of them. To me, it's very important for parents to understand that the best way you can help your kids grow is by connecting with them. And every child is gonna be totally different. So sometimes we think like our first child, will teach us everything that we need to know about parenting, when in reality every single child will come with their own struggles and challenges and things to teach us as parents. So communicating with our child on one-on-one is very important as a mom. That's how I realized that I needed to parent my kids. So I wanted to just have the same, I wanted to use the same tools for everybody in the house, but everybody has a different personality so knowing the way they think, the way they act, like their feelings and all that stuff, like what made one feeling comes out in each one of them then helped me parent each one of them and use that to their advantage in term instead of using it to against them, you know?

Kerry: 3:11

mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely important. Everybody is, you know, gonna learn differently, act differently, and be themselves, which is really important, you wanna encourage that. We talk about this word validation, what do you mean by validation? Is it not the same as accepting like their behavior or bad behavior?

Ariam: 3:27

Yes, so it's very important. I think many of us think that by validating our you know, our feelings or everybody's feeling, it means that, well, I have to accept your behavior as well. Right? Validation is pretty much understanding their feeling, where are they coming from, and then by you understanding when, where are they coming from that will give you an idea of like how I need to react to their feelings and what things, what boundaries to put in terms of those feelings that are happening in the house. So validating feeling does not mean that you have to accept the bad behavior that comes with the feeling but understanding that, yes, I understand you have a difficult situation, but there's ways that we can work around that instead of just being angry or, miss displacing your feelings. You know, it's very important to understand where the feeling comes from.

Kerry: 4:27

Yeah. No, that's a good, good point there. I'm trying to think of all these instances of like when my kids maybe were doing something and I need to you know, kind of validate where they're coming from really, and then kind of understand that before I react, which is

Ariam: 4:41

Yes. It's, it's like communication, right? So you want to be a great communicator in your house, and sometimes that's hard because of all the things that you have in your plate, you know, you're a mom, but then you have your business, and then you have your, your wife. So there's many things, but and sometimes your emotions. Emotions can be as high as your kids' emotions. So if both of you are communicating at the same level of feelings, then you are not actually communicating with each other. You're just fighting against each other. So validating is just okay. I take what you, you're telling me I see what you might have been the problem. I see why you're struggling. I see why you're angry, where you're sad. But let's just co let's just talk. Let's see are the things that we can do about it?

Kerry: 5:31

Mm-hmm. So with teenagers, why do you think validation is even maybe more important?

Ariam: 5:38

Okay? Yes. And I think this can apply in every aspect with every age as well. But I think when, when you have a teenager that is having, you know, that you can validate their their feelings, the main thing is that you're creating connection. Once you create that connection, then comes trust, right? And then it's going to become something that. I want to talk with my parents about this because I trust them instead of just like, let me just go and talk with my friends about it. You know? So validating your teen's feeling creates that connection, but at the same time it creates an opportunity for them to learn how to solve their own problems. How to relate with their feeling like other people feelings. How to understand that I'm capable of dealing with this in a constructive manner. It doesn't have to be in a destructive manner since anyways, their brain's still developing. It creates those synapses, you know that will help them thrive because they will understand how to use all this information that they have and use it to help themself instead of just waiting for somebody else to solve their problems all the time.

Kerry: 6:59

Mm-hmm. I think that's a very important lesson, like learning how to be independent and solve your own problems and, you know, work your way through these things rather than, you know, waiting on somebody else to do it. So that's a really good lesson. What would you say for the teen who says, you don't understand me? You know, what's the best way for a parent to respond?

Ariam: 7:16

Okay, so in that situation, I will just say Take a deep breath in because it's always a hard situation, stress situation as well. But the best thing to under, to like go around this is like, okay, so help me understand you. I don't know what it is to be a teenager at this age and date in your high school. I don't understand what's going on in social media. I don't understand, understand that our struggles were not the same as our kids' struggles right now. Right? So understand that we have that limitation because we don't, we are actually not going through the same process. We might have a good idea because we were teen at some point, but we dunno what's going on. So like throwing the ball back to them and say like, okay, help me understand. It's very important because then that will create that connection and will create that trust factor. Like, okay, she's not gonna, she's not gonna scream at me, she's not going to be angry at me. She's not she's just going to listen. She's not gonna try to fix my problem. She's just going to listen, and then we can come out together with a solution.

Kerry: 8:29

Mm-hmm. I think it's nice too, like admitting that. You know, the, the parent doesn't know everything. It also probably gives that more ability for the, you know, kid to trust you too. Like saying, okay, we're not, we didn't understand that, or we didn't go through the same things that you are exactly. Like it's different when I was a kid. Right. So that every can really open that trust door

Ariam: 8:50

Yes. And also like when you become a mom, everybody expects you to know everything about motherhood, even though motherhood comes in stages and faces. Right. So for me I might have some ideas of like parenting a 5-year-old because I already had 2 older kids that were five year olds at some point. But for my two parents at pre-teen or a teen, I don't have any idea how that looks like because I'm getting into that zone right now. I'm getting into that phase. So understanding also that motherhood or parenthood doesn't come all at once just because you just have your first baby. It just come in phases and stages. So you will grow as your child grow, you will grow with your child as well. So as a mom, you also have to kind of level up every single year because you have to field your tools. You, you know, like your, I, I don't know, your or your console with new tools because you have to use new tools all the time. So it's, it's just understanding that you are not static. You also have to learn. It's not just your child needs to grow up and that's it, you know, you also have to learn as a parent and grow up as a parent as well

Kerry: 10:06

That's important and advice, like you're definitely, there's growth for each and every one of us, right? Not just the kid growing physically and emotionally and mentally and everything, but Absolutely the parent has to do the work too. That's important, right? Yeah. Why do you think many parents struggle with the balance between empathy and discipline?

Ariam: 10:26

Oh, because we were raised differently, I think we were raised in a, in a world where we just need, we just needed to be obedience and we just needed to follow the rules. And and if you don't follow the rules, you're not disciplined enough. And in some cases we don't care about your feelings and just deal with it. This is life and just move on. Right? So some, some of us still are like in the, in that line that I don't know how much empathy or how much validation to give to these feelings or how much, how much rules, or stronger my rule side has to be right or my my side of like, you just have to be disciplined and that's it. Or obedient and that's it. So I think they struggle. We struggle a lot because we just want our kid to succeed and what success look for us, sometimes it's not what they're made for. And we don't give them that grace to understand what they really want to be. We just want them to become what we want them to become. So following the rules and the obedience, we think that that's what will get them there instead. Some other ways can get them to whatever they want to achieve or to become, and we don't give them that empathy or that grace.

Kerry: 11:49

Mm-hmm. I think just even a different perspective would be, maybe that's how you had grown up, like Right. You were supposed to follow the rules and be obedient. But I mean, a different parent may have a different experience entirely. Maybe there were no rules. Right. they had a different upbringing. But I think once they would have to decide, you know, how they want to, you know, raise their child. In this society, I guess anyway, being different. So I would agree. I probably think we were just supposed to follow the rules and stuff like that, but that's how my upbringing was would be. But I'm sure there's plenty of people out there that were, things were a lot different anyway. Yeah.

Ariam: 12:24

Yes. And, and there's actually, and you are totally right, there's some other kids that their upbringing is totally different and, and they might not have the same expectations, you know the parents might not have the same expectations for them. But yes, I do agree, like it totally depend on what spectrum you are located in.

Kerry: 12:47

So how about like, some, using some of these validation skills in like real world situations or real scenarios? So if, how should you know parents respond when their teens or kid feeling seems like kind of over the top, like a big crying spell after, you know, a breakup or being angry about, you know, curfew or losing some big game or something like that.

Ariam: 13:09

So for most part I will recommend a, you know, initially just give them some space. I think we are by nature I think humans just wants to fix everything right there and right away, and we just wants to keep just fixing. And I think as parents, you know, and as it's our nature just to when I don't want my kids to suffer, I just want to make everything right again. So i, I will start with space. Once we have that space, everybody has the opportunity to have their emotions kind of like leveled and not as high, and as well, they will have the opportunity just to recognize, okay, maybe I'm just getting over the top right. After that, there's, there's gonna be a period that you will try to connect with your kid. And even in, in that period, sometimes they might not even wanna hear whatever you're saying, you know, like, you don't know what's going on, you don't have any idea. You're too old mom, you don't, you don't know. And they shut down and the space will help you with them just to kind of like open up little by little. Once that space, you know, like any can take just like 10, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever it takes for everybody's different. So sometimes it will take like 24 hours. But once everybody is willing to come into a conversation, the, the best thing is like, how can I help you? I see your struggle. I see there's something that is bothering you. It's pretty much statements that will let them know that you are seeing them, that they are not okay. You know, that you don't, you might not understand the whole spectrum of what they're, what's going, going on, but at the same time, you see them and you want to help the help it doesn't mean that I want to fix what's going on to you. The help is that I want to help just if you want to talk whenever you're ready, I'm here. So that will be one of the best statements that I will say, like, whenever you're ready to speak with someone, I see you're struggling. I'm ready to talk and just open the door. Just open the, the, the conduit. So that person feels comfortable to talk with you, your team, feel comfortable coming to you and talk with you.

Kerry: 15:28

I think well, one of my questions was like a validation trap, like that a parent may fall into like jumping too quickly to fix things or give advice. And I think you already spoke to that where you said, you know, basically give them space and don't jump in too quickly. They don't, you're not gonna be able to fix everything and you know, they wouldn't Feel heard if you, you know, kind of went to that sometimes. Is there anything else you'd add to that? Those kind of traps.

Ariam: 15:52

Yeah, so I will say, you know, the, the biggest trap, I think that I'm the guiltiest is like I told you, so, so that's the biggest trap, right? Like I told you not to go with those kids or whatever I told you, this will happen. Well, we say many things and we tell our kids many things, but the I told you so is not going to help anybody. Right. The I told you so is just very judgmental. It's a it's, it's going to deem their confidence because, okay, well now I don't know how to think. On my own. Now I have to wait for my mom to tell me all the answers. And if she's not there, then I cannot make a decision. So that's one of the trap that we usually use, like the, I told you so needs to be out. If want to validate and create that communication with your kids or the, the trust factor with your kids.

Kerry: 16:47

Mm-hmm. So what about when you think your child is definitely in the wrong? How do you kind of validate still, but without, you know, with, by still limits,

Ariam: 16:57

Yes. So when they are, like, when you know they're in the wrong that's the tricky part because then you want, and you know, like, and this one is very different for any age I will say, because for teenagers, of course, you will have to have boundaries. But the boundaries that you will have for them is gonna be different. For a 5-year-old, you know, still in the learning curve of many things. But for pre-teens and teens, you have to have solid boundaries. And it's kind of like contradict a little bit because you have the rules and this is the rule, but every rule that you break will have a consequence no matter what. It's not that we don't see your feelings, and that's why I said like, validation does not mean that you are okay with the bad behavior, Or with the break in rules, because I understand and I'm seeing you. I try to understand what you're going through, but at the same time, this is the rule. If the rule is broken, for whatever reason, you, you came home after your curfew, you. We're disrespectful to a teacher. What other things like, I don't know, your, you, you were fighting at school, you know, like those are things that cannot happen. And now because you were angry with your friends, I will allow you to fight with them. Right? So boundaries needs to be. As very strict and very clear. Sometimes our teenagers doesn't know what, what's the boundary in the house, and I think that's a, a problem sometimes. We don't communicate the boundaries that we have and the rules that we have, the way we expect them to follow through the rules, and that's when they start. You know, drifting and thinking like, well I can just do this like five minutes after my curfew is not gonna be a 10 minutes, then the next day is 30 minutes, or you know, 45 minutes. So boundaries are boundaries. If you allow them to have five minutes and don't do what the consequence that you already told them, that will happen after five minutes, they will take the 30 minutes because nothing happened after five minutes. Right. So if you have boundaries, if you have rules, you have to enforce it. And the consequence have to be the same, even if it was just one time or 10 times, it has to be the same.

Kerry: 19:19

Mm-hmm. That's definitely good advice. I can think of many circumstances in our home for sure, for that one. So what happens in a teen's brain when they feel dismissed versus when they feel heard?

Ariam: 19:32

Yes. So when a teen feels like that is not, he's not validated of, it's pretty much they feel like they're totally ignoring them and that is linked to higher rates of like anxiety and depression. And even it has been shown in research that they can get into self-harming activities so validation gives them the opportunity to not feel ashamed, you know, and shame has been related to actually decreased levels of confidence and decreased level of like self-regulation. So when a kid has the feeling like, okay, nobody's listening to me, nobody's seeing me. the part of the brain, you know, the pre prefrontal cortex, that which is not even mature enough, right? Or develop enough at that age, and that's the one that gives them like the idea, like, no, there's some other people that is giving you this validation that you're looking for, but that shuts down. And then the hind brain, the one that is like all the time, like fighting and afraid and scared is the one that it lights up. When that lights up, then of course you're going to feel more scared, more afraid, more anxious. So that's why the preteen and teen brain is so always under rage, I guess. Because sometimes they don't have this validation from the people that they really want to be validated from the friends or the family. And then all of these circuits are turning on, and that's why they go radically to anxiety attacks, you know, panic attacks, depression, and this is why validation is so important.

Kerry: 21:18

Yeah, it's a really good explanation of basically, you know, the difference of, you know, what part of the brain is working. So with the versus the prefrontal cortex, and I think more maybe. Be the amygdala with those kinda rage mechanisms. But also thinking about, just from a hormonal standpoint, what's typically going on with the, know, kids at those ages too, that can definitely affect their, you know, their thought patterns, their behaviors. And then like you said, if they're not validated or heard, then they can lead to these other mental health conditions or, you know,

Ariam: 21:49

Yes, that's correct. Yes. The, the hormones is very, you know, preteen teams, you always gonna have your surges of of all the hormones. And that also leads to the complication of just having this as. This as scenarios that they will get into trouble just because of that as well.

Kerry: 22:09

Mm-hmm. So you actually have already mentioned a few, but what are a few simple phrases that parents can use to validate their child's emotions?

Ariam: 22:18

So, yeah. So in, you know, in terms of, in, instead of saying, I told you so

Kerry: 22:24

Yeah.

Ariam: 22:26

just please say like one of the one that I use the most is like, I can tell that you are angry. Why, what's happening? Oh, I can tell this matters to you. Because you are acting this way, so let's just see what's going on. Right. I get you're upset. I get that you are angry, but I don't understand why you're upset. Can you explain that to me? So those are phrases and, and I use them a lot in the clinic with my teenagers when they come and they're just like, shut down and they don't want to talk. And we just said like, okay, so I need a breakthrough. I need to open. There you go, a breakthrough. I need to have something that will help them open up to me. So like, I see that you don't wanna be here in the office, but how can we, how can we fix that? You know, like, how can we make these make you feel comfortable? You know? So it makes sense that you were disappointed that you have to come here to the office when you most likely wanted to go chat with your friends. I don't know. So how can we fix that? What, what's the situation you'd rather be doing instead of just and then you go from there, right? Then you let them talk because sometimes we kind of interrupt when they're talking. Let them talk, let them just open. And I experienced this at home, sometimes if I just give a layaway for my 13-year-old to talk, he will just talk the world, right? Like, I will have to tell him like, okay, it's time to stop, but, but just let them talk. Just let them open up. And once they open, then you are already in, you already have that trust so they're ready to listen and they're ready to communicate with you.

Kerry: 24:11

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So kind of I was gonna, I guess I was gonna say label the emotion and the situation and then kind of give them the floor is what it A good summary of that, right?

Ariam: 24:21

Yes, yes, yes. That's perfect. Like labeled emotion. I think that's a, that's a perfect way to put it. It is just what's the emotion you're feeling and, and there's so much power when you label your emotions because you know what you're feeling and you know how you can handle that emotion. So yes. Perfect. I think you summarized it better than me.

Kerry: 24:43

So what if, I guess let's say you said they might just keep talking or you know, we, when we gave them the floor, right. What do, what do you do if they shut down or refuse to talk?

Ariam: 24:53

So if they refuse to talk, then we just try to, you know, move forward to the next question. Right. Let's see, what's the best next thing we can try to do. So they don't want to, they just don't want to go, give them the space, right? If they don't wanna talk now, it's okay. We don't have to keep pushing, just give them the space for them to understand what they're feeling. Sometimes they don't even know what they're feeling, sometimes you say like, well label the emotions. They're like, well, I have way too many emotions right now, so I don't know which one you wanna talk about. So that's why sometimes they shut down again. So give them the space. Once they have, once their brain is not in the fight and fly state, they will open up. like I say, that sometimes will take few hours, but we, we just have to give them that space.

Kerry: 25:48

Mm-hmm. So how can parents practice validation when they're upset or triggered?

Ariam: 25:53

Yes, very important. So the best thing is you take your space as well, you know if you are trying to communicate, to create trust or to create connection, and you are triggered and you are angry. So you also have to label your own emotions and understand where you are at. If you are in a very high, you know, fight fly state, you're not gonna get anything out of yourself or the child or the conversation, right? So you also have to have your space take a deep breath in. Also that's helpful because you are modeling to your child what you're supposed to do when you're having these emotions as well. But you take a deep breath in, take your space. You say like, gimme five more minutes. I have to go to my room. Do whatever that, it's good for yourself. If it's just like talk to yourself, listen to a song, whatever it is that is good for yourself to get your emotions out, do it, you know, and then come back to the conversation. But you have to take that space as well.

Kerry: 27:01

That's good advice. Yeah. So other than that, if a parent could start doing just one thing differently today, what do you think would make the biggest difference?

Ariam: 27:09

The biggest different, I think is just, and it's very simple, just spend time with your child whatever it is, you know, even if it's just like a movie that you have watched 20,000 times and they just wanna watch it again. Just watch the movie with your kids. You know? The more time you spend with your child, you'll understand your child. And I think that's the best thing to create connection with them is understanding them. Because no one, you know, neither of your child's gonna have the same personality. So you need to understand the child and the child that is giving you like the more headaches or has been struggled the most. Spend more time with that child. Because they will need to understand that you're seeing them, that you are not seeing them as a bad kid, that you're not seeing them as a, you know, you're not giving him the bad reputation just because he's the one struggling the most, but you are seeing them and that validates them. And then that creates the fact, that trust factor with that child. I'm not saying that the one that behaves well all the time needs to be left out. Right. But for most part, the one that is giving you more headaches or is struggling the most, try to connect with that child most.

Kerry: 28:24

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that's great advice also. Yeah. So before we wrap up, was there anything else that you wanted to add on this very, you know, important and interesting topic of connecting and validating with your kids?

Ariam: 28:37

I think the the only thing that I will just add is just like we are in, you know, we are all living in this world, in families, right? We comes and we have families and every family have their own challenges, but the most, you try to connect with your child, your home will be, you know, I wouldn't say happy, just to be happy, you know, I don't wanna use that word, so easily, but you will find joy in your home, you know, and it will be your, it will be your kids space where they can be themself and they understand that my family will love me no matter what. And I think that's the most important thing.

Kerry: 29:18

I think you said your most important treasure lives in your house. Is that what you

Ariam: 29:22

That's correct.

Kerry: 29:24

I love that. That's a beautiful, beautiful saying. So where can people find you if they wanna follow you or work with you?

Ariam: 29:30

We have Brightside Care, which is the clinic in Mebane, North Carolina, and also you can find me on Instagram by Brightside Care, Brightside Care, and Facebook. You can find me as the Good Habit pediatrician. So those are the two things that you can, where you can find me.

Kerry: 29:50

Awesome. Well, thank you so much for your time today and joining us on the Get Healthy Tampa Bay podcast and everybody please stay tuned next week's for next week's episode, and if you need anybody in, you know, the Clearwater Tampa area, we are available and accepting new patients. Our phone number is(727) 446-1097. Thank you so much, Dr. Mathusek.

Ariam: 30:11

Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity.